Here's the thing.  There's moments in your life that make you, set the course for who you're gonna be.  Sometimes, they're little...subtle moments.  Sometimes...they're not.  I'll show you what I mean.
Bottom line is, even if you see them comin', you're not ready for the big moments.  No one asks for their life to change, not really.  But it does.  So, what are we?  Helpless? Puppets?  No, the big moments are gonna come.  You can't help that.  It's what you do afterwards that counts.  That's when you find out who you are.  You'll see what I mean.
 

For the past few days, I've been hiding out in the basement to keep cool and ended up watching the second season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  I started watching it in 1997 after the episode "What's My Line? Part 1" when Buffy found out that there was a second Slayer.  I'd seen a few episodes here and there and distinctly remembered "Into every generation, a Slayer is born.  One girl in the world with the strength and skill to fight the vampires, demons, and the forces of darkness.  She is the Slayer."  So the idea of a second Slayer was very confusing.  I watched it religiously afterward, fast becoming obsessed.

For the longest time, the second season was my favorite despite many awful episodes like "Inca Mummy Girl", "Reptile Boy", "Ted", "Bad Eggs", and "Go Fish."  After re-watching it over a decade later, it resounds in an entirely different way.  I've had a lot more life since then and episodes like "Surprise", "Innocence", "I Only Have Eyes for You", and "Becoming" are different now that I've been to that place in my own life.

Buffy gave up everything because of adversity and learning from that, she grew stronger and more powerful.  The big moments shape us and change us.  Sometimes for the better.  Sometimes not.  People grow and change because nothing ever stays the same no matter how much we hope, we wish, we dream they wouldn't.  Nothing ever lasts forever.

And they say you can't learn from TV.
 

"FULL of GRACE"
Sarah McLachlan

The winter here is cold, and bitter
It's chilled us to the bone
Haven't seen the sun for weeks
Too long too far from home.
I feel just like I'm sinking
And I claw for solid ground.

I'm pulled down by the undertow,
I never thought I could feel so low
And, oh, darkness I feel like letting go.
If all of the strength and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I can love you much better than this
Full of grace,
Full of grace,
My love.

It's better this way, I said
Having seen this place before
Where everything we say and do
Hurts us all the more.
It's just that we stayed too long
In the same old sickly skin.

I'm pulled down by the undertow,
I never thought I could feel so low
And, oh, darkness I feel like letting go.
If all of the strength
And all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I can love you much better than this,
Full of grace.
I know I can love you much better than this,
It's better this way.

current mood: contemplative

Today is the one-year anniversary of the day I first met Oliver Smith face-to-face. I remember it like it was only yesterday. From the time I knew when I'd have my Spring Break, we talked about it. I had a countdown on my computer that was counting down the minutes until we could be finally be together in person. Almost every day, we'd talk about how much time was left until March 16, 2008. I remember it was Flight 1001 on Southwest Airlines arriving at Lambert International Airport at 1:35. I was so scared and nervous and excited all at once.

I was afraid that he'd finally see me and realize that I'm not pretty or not his type. But I was so excited at the idea that I'd finally get to meet him in person. That the past nine months wasn't a dream, that there was really someone who loved me and cared about me and wanted to be with me. That was the greatest thing I'd ever felt. Just someone wanting to be with me for once; someone who truly loved me and cared about me.

I dressed in a pretty, lacy, and glittery top; I hoped that I'd look good for him. I brushed my hair like a million strokes while on the car ride up to St. Louis, and my dad teased me about my trying to look good. At the airport, I was worried when I couldn't find Oliver at first. Part of me wondered if he'd decided to not come up. I looked all over, and then there he came, out of the restroom in a white t-shirt (with a Dr. Pepper spill on it), jeans, sneakers, and his ever-present blue ballcap. I was in shock, he was really real, and he was really there for me. He hugged me, and he whispered in my ear: "I love you, Sparkles."


We grabbed his blue gym bag and headed to the car, the red Ford Windstar with its busted drivers' side passenger door. We sat in the backseat. I kept touching him just to make sure he was really there, that I wasn't dreaming. When we finally got to Farmington, we ate at Ryan's buffet. I got this huge, nasty headache, and Oliver rubbed my head to help me feel better, but all it did was make me sleepy.

I walked across the street to the Farmington Super 8 motel where Oliver had booked a room (221, I think -- the one with the beautiful view of the Dumpster in back) and took a nap. I woke up a little later and went back to Ryan's feeling a bit better. We spent the rest ofthe evening together, and Oliver introduced me to his first love: zombie movies. We ended up watching Night of the Living Dead, the original black-and-white 1960s version.

I ended up spending the next few days with him at his motel, and for the first time in my life, I felt truly loved. I felt complete, like the part of me I'd be searching my entire life for was really there with me. And now he's gone.

current mood: sad

I'm having so much trouble just hanging on lately. Everything seems so incredibly pointless, and every minute of every day just hurts more. Every passing day, happiness seems more and more unattainable. Every day that passes that I cry myself to sleep and cry myself sick just compounds my pain and misery.

I'm trying so hard to just hold on, but I wonder why? What's the point? I can barely drag myself out of bed in the morning, and I constantly try to find a distraction, something that'll help ease my anguish, but nothing works.

I still hurt, I still think of Oliver, even though he only thinks of me as "a source of pain." He chose to break up with me because it "wasn't working." But he won't even talk to me because he hurts becase he broke up with me. He made that choice, and I'm suffering the consequences. It used to be that he thougt about me before he made decisions because I meant enough to him for that, and I always cared more about him than I ever cared about myself.

It's been thirty-three days since he decided that we weren't working. In all that time, we've hardly spoken when we used to spend at least an hour talking each day -- at least an hour, more time usually. We'd get along and we'd make each other smile -- he's the only person who can really make me smile -- but now, he doesn't even want to talk to me.

I haven't talked to him since Monday and that was only about fifteen minutes. I miss him so badly that I can hardly bear it. I don't know how much more I can take before I completely break down. There's no relief. I get patronized or yelled at. I can't take much more.

I feel like I'm trapped in a deep, dark pit of infinite blackness. I try so hard, wearing myself out digging my nails into the slick walls that surround me, breaking my nails to pieces as I try to claw my way out. But I never get anywhere and all these rocks keep falling down and crushing me beneath their weight.

I've never hurt so much in my life; the pain is so great that it's hard to even breathe. I just want it to stop. I want the pain to go away, but it doesn't; it doesn't even ebb. I feel hollow, and I'm trying so hard, but I don't even know why. I want to quit, just tell the world to stop so I can get off of it. Part of me wishes I could rewind the past two years and wish I had never let my walls down, I had never allowed myself to feel for someone.

I wouldn't be much better off, but I wouldn't hurt nearly as badly. I was so stupid believing that someone would actally care about me, that I was really worth caring about. I should have used that cold, hard logic that's kept me afloat all of these years, but I didn't. And I regret it so much.

current mood: crushed

On January 31, my boyfriend of nearly two years (a year and eight months to be precise) dumped me.  He said that I was too clingy, we were doomed to fail, the distance between us was too great, that he wasn't meant for relationships, that we should still be friends, and that it wasn't me, it was him.  Among other excuses that men have been using since the beginning of time when they're not mature enough for a relationship.

The days pass by slower than ever before, all of the things I looked forward to throughout the past nearly-two years have disappeared.  I'd wake up early in the morning to talk to him over messenger, I'd always be by my computer around 7:00 P.M. because that would be when he woke up, and we could spend a little time talking before he left for his job.  I'd stay up late on Fridays and weekends and wake up early because he didn't work and we could spend time together.

We fought sometimes, just like any other couple.  But when we actually had a chance to be together in person, it was magic.  It felt like the universe was finally smiling on me, that I'd found someone who truly understood me on all levels, someone who made me laugh, made me feel loved, made me feel good, and finally made the world feel like there was something good in it.  It felt like there was someone who was meant for me.  An actual, real-life soulmate; someone to spend my life with.  I thought he felt the same way, and he never told me any different

The relationship brought me out, all the emotions I'd been blocking for so long came pouring out.  Just like when a dam is opened, the water floods forth, and you can't control it.  I never learned to love moderately because how can you when all of the bottled-up feelings explode all over the place?  I threw myself off a cliff, expecting to be caught.  For the first time in my life, I threw caution to the wind, I put everything of me into the relationship.

I should have known better -- but when you're emotionally stunted and the product of a sheltered life and you have no clue how human interaction is really supposed to work -- then you take flying leaps, only you don't end up caught by the one you love.  The one you love sidesteps and you break yourself all over jagged rocks.  Then you send one look at him, wondering why it happened that way, and he just says that "it's not you, it's me," using the oldest excuses in the newest situations.

Twenty months together isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things when you've got sixty-plus more years to live, even if you're Christian and subscribe to the notion that the world's only 6000 years old, it's still not a long time.  But when you've finally taken the chance that you've been fearing for the past twenty-four year -- the fear of truly being yourself with someone, opening up fully to someone, baring your soul and exposing everything to that person; the fear of losing what control you've mustered, and just allowing the Powers That Be to have their wicked way with you -- then twenty months is akin to eternity.  The problem is that when eternity ends, then it feels like there's nothing left.

Every day, I cry at least once; sometimes, I cry so hard that I physically hurt.  Every day is pure torture, I can't concentrate, I can't think, I can hardly sleep.  I've been averaging about three hours of sleep a day because of the pure emotional anguish I feel.  I try to find a reason to go on, but it's so hard.

Every day, I wish that the pain would stop, but it only gets worse.  My stomach is hurting all the time: knotted and aching, and I'm so nausous every day that sometimes it's hard to even eat.  My head hurts so often and so much.  The physcal and emotional pain make things barely bearable.

I miss Oliver every second of every minute of every day, but he doesn't care about me.  We used to talk every morning for at least an hour, and then roughly twenty minutes before he had to go to work.  He hasn't talked to me since Wednesday night.  I sent him a message last night at three just before I went to bed at three after waiting all night with the hope that we could finally talk like we used to, for hours on end even when we were just acquaintances.

Today -- Valentine's Day of all days -- he finally posts on facebook after I've been worrying for the past three days if he's even okay.  He puts, "Oliver Smith has discoved he has squirting orgasms. Also, making a trip to Home Depot for some safety goggles" as his status message, and his friends talk about "stranger time."  Use your imagination, I did.  All of the possible meanings just tormented me further.

I don't understand what I did to deserve being treated this way.  All I did was love him with all the love I had.  I gave him everything I had, and he took it and used it against me.  He still has some of my stuff in his apartment in Canada: blankets, pillows, toiletries, and a Halloween costume I brought up so we could great trick-or-treaters on his favorite holiday, the only holiday he actually celebrates.  This is the apartment we looked at together, the apartment we looked at together, that we talked about making "our" home, and he called the side of the bed against the wall "my side."

I keep trying so hard to figure it out.  Why, what did I do?  Especially, what did I do to deserve this? I even talked to his friend about why it happened.  She said we were toxic to one another, I'm toxic to him, that I should have expected it, that he's wanted to break up with me for a long time.  People say he's not good enough, he's not worth it, he's a user, he's a jackass, he's a schmuck, that I only feel this way because he's the first.  I thought he was worth everything, that he truly loved me and wanted to be with me, that I made him feel alive, that I was the best thing that ever happened to him.  When he broke up with me, he told me that I made him feel like a hollow shell; how can someone go from "the best thing that ever happened" and making someone "feel alive" to making someone "feel like an empty shell"?

On that day he dumped me, I felt something inside of me die.  It's rotting, festering in the pit of my very soul.  Part of me is gone because of this, and nothing's ever going to fix it.  The only person I've ever loved doesn't love me and seems to be set on hurting me.  Why are people like this?  Why do people hurt each other like this?  Why do I still love someone so cruel?


 

"Bleeding Love"
Leona Lewis
Spirit
Written by Jesse McCartney and Ryan Tedder

Closed off from love,
I didn't need the pain.
Once or twice was enough,
And it was all in vain.
Time starts to pass
Before you know it, you're frozen.

But somethin' happened
For the very first time with you,
My heart melted to the ground.
Found something true,
And everyone's lookin' 'round,
Thinkin' I'm goin' crazy.
But I don't care what they say,
I'm in love with you.
They try to pull me away,
But they don't know the truth.
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closin'.
You cut me open, and I...

Keep bleedin',
Keep, keep bleedin' love.
I keep bleedin',
I keep, keep bleedin' love.
Keep bleedin',
Keep, keep bleedin' love.
You cut me open.

Tryin' hard not to hear,
But they talk so loud,
Their piercing sounds fill my ears.
Try to fill me with doubt,
Yet I know that their goal
Is to keep me from fallin'.
But nothin's greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace.
And in this world of loneliness,
I see your face.
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I'm goin' crazy.
Maybe, maybe.

But I don't care what they say,
I'm in love with you.
They try to pull me away,
But they don't know the truth.
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closin'.
You cut me open, and I...

Keep bleedin',
Keep, keep bleedin' love.
I keep bleedin',
I keep, keep bleedin' love.
Keep bleedin',
Keep, keep bleedin' love.
You cut me open.

And it's drainin' all of me,
Oh, they find it hard to believe.
I'll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see.
I don't care what they say,
I'm in love with you.
They try to pull me away,
But they don't know the truth.
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closin'.
You cut me open, and I...

Keep bleedin',
Keep, keep bleedin' love.
I keep bleedin',
I keep, keep bleedin' love.
Keep bleedin',
Keep, keep bleedin' love.
You cut me open.
Keep bleedin',
Keep, keep bleedin' love.
I keep bleedin'
I keep, keep bleedin' love.
Keep bleedin'
Keep, keep bleedin' love.

You cut me open, and I
Keep bleedin',
Keep, keep bleedin' love.

A lot has changed in my life since the last time I posted, so many things have happened that I never expected to happen in a million years, and I'm a lot more jaded than I was.  The quaint idea of happily ever after seemed so real back then, but now, nothing good feels like it'll ever happen again.

I fell in love, completely and truly head over heels, with Oliver Smith, a smart-ass Canadian who made life so good, gave me hope, gave me the feeling that maybe life wouldn't always be so bad.  Since then, it's been so hard.  He's so immature and he needs his "alone time" to find himself.  I already know who he is, and that's why I love him. 

It's just so hard because I don't know if any of this meant anything to him.  He said it did, he said he'd always love me, but he's "not ready for a relationship."  He gave me hope, love, and joy, and then he took it all away.  People say that because he's my first real boyfriend that he means more to me than others would, but that's not true.  It's a part of it, but nowhere near the whole of it.  Everyone -- including him -- tells me that I'm better off, that he's a user.  But that isn't true at all.

He's an amazing person who means the world to me, who makes me feel alive for the first time in my life, like there's something good from all the pain that I've been through in my life, but he just can't do this.  Why is he like that?  He's changed so much lately, and it's so hard.  It's even harder that he doesn't seem to be affected by any of it

current mood: drained

I've almost always had animals.  When I was a toddler, my family had Smokey who died when I was still very young.  When I was five, we got a cat Joseph from our local humane society.  Since then, I've never not had at least one cat.

I live in the countryside on a decent amount of acreage, and I've lived here for five years (the longest I've lived in a single place), but this isn't about me.  This is about the jerks who dump animals.  I've got so many pets because people choose to dump their animals nearby, and I can't stand the thought of an animal getting hurt, so I pick them up.

Currently, I have fifteen dogs and about fifteen cats.  Of all these dogs, six were dumped nearby.  The rest were given to us by people who knew we'd take care of them.  Most of my cats had been dumped as well.  I write this now because, on Sunday, some complete asshole dumped two little orange tabby kittens on my family's property.

The kittens, now named Dexter and Sinister, are roughly eight weeks old, sweet as can be, and someone chose to just dump them instead of giving them to the humane society -- a no-kill animal foundation which would spay or neuter the pets and find a good home for them.  These complete wastes of space chose to dump these kittens near a busy highway where they could have gotten run over.

My family has only had these kittens for five days, but we've already taken Dexter to the vet because he had a worm in his head that the doctors took out.  I later learned that dabbing petroleum jelly (Vaseline) on the wound would draw the worm out for air, and it would get stuck in the jelly, making it easy to be pulled out using tweezers.  Both of the kittens are doing well.  As a matter of fact, Sinister's sleeping on my leg as I write this.

People, if you have pets, make sure to get them spayed or neutered, and never, never dump them.  Your pets might not be as lucky as Dexter and Sinister; they might never make it to a kind and loving home.  If you have animals that you can't keep, contact your local humane society here: Humane Society of America.

If you are looking for a new pet, be sure to check your local shelter or pound for animals; roughly 60% of all animals in shelters and pounds are pure-bred and for a nominal adoption fee (roughly $20), you can abtain that perfect pure-bred pet (instead of paying hundreds if not thousands for a pure-bred).  Never, never buy pets from pet stores either.

current mood: angry

Today was probably the hardest day of my life.  After nine months where I formed a relationship with the man I love, we finally got to meet in person.  On Sunday, my darling Oliver came to visit me in my hometown and the past four days have been the greatest days of my life.

For a long time, I’ve known that Oliver meant a lot to me, but being with him, holding him in my arms, spending this time with him, it tells me that he’s The One.  Everything was so wonderful, like we’re meant to be. It feels like everything has led up to this, that it’s destiny.  I can honestly say that I’m madly in love with him.

But today, I had to let him go back to Canada. I can’t seem to stop crying; I feel like there’s a void in the pit of my soul, and I’ve never felt so empty in my life.  I kept reaching for his hand as I ate dinner before I realized that it wasn’t there.  I’ve never felt something so good in my life: all the kisses and hugs and hand-holding.  I can’t wait until I get to be with him again.
 

"Truly, Madly, Deeply"
Savage Garden
Savage Garden

I’ll be your dream,
I’ll be your wish, I’ll be your fantasy,
I’ll be your hope, I’ll be your love,
Be everything that you need.
I’ll love you more with every breath,
Truly, madly, deeply do.
I will be strong, I will be faithful
’Cause I’m counting on...

A new beginnin’,
A reason for livin’,
A deeper meanin’, yeah.
Well, I wanna stand with you on a mountain,
I wanna bathe with you in the sea,
I wanna lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me.

And when the stars are shinin’ brightly in the velvet sky,
I’ll make a wish, send it to Heaven
Then make you want to cry,
The tears of joy for all the pleasure in the certainty
That we’re surrounded by the comfort and protection of...
The highest powers,
In lonely hours,
The tears devour you.
Well, I wanna stand with you on a mountain,
I wanna bathe with you in the sea,
I wanna lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me.

Oh, can you see it, baby?
You don’t have to close your eyes
’Cause it’s standing right before you
All that you need will surely come.
(Ooo-wah-ooo, yeah-ah-yeah)


I’ll be your dream,
I’ll be your wish, I’ll be your fantasy,
I’ll be your hope, I’ll be your love,
Be everything that you need.
I’ll love you more with every breath,
Truly, madly, deeply do...
(Mmm-mmm)

I wanna stand with you on a mountain,
I wanna bathe with you in the sea,
I wanna lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me.

Well, I wanna stand with you on a mountain,
I wanna bathe
With you in the sea,
Well, I want to live like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me.
(Ooo-wah-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo, yeah-ah-ah)
(Uh-huh)

Well, I love you, darlin’, darlin’ love,
And I love you, darlin’, darlin’ love.

 "RUNAWAY TRAIN"
Soul Asylum
Grave Dancer's Union

Call you up in the middle of the night,
Like a firefly without a light.
You were there like a blowtorch burnin';
I was a key that could use a little turnin'.

So tired that I couldn't even sleep,
So many secrets I couldn't keep.
Promised myself I wouldn't weep,
One more promise I couldn't keep.

It seems no one can help me now,
I'm in too deep,
There's no way out.
This time I have really led myself astray.

Runaway train never goin' back,
Wrong way on a one-way track.
Seems like I should be gettin' somewhere;
Somehow, I'm neither here nor there.

Can you help me remember how to smile,
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile.
How on earth did I get so jaded?
Life's mystery seems so faded.

I can go where no one else can go,
I know what no one else knows.
Here I am just drownin' in the rain,
With a ticket for a runaway train.

And everything seems cut and dry,
Day and night, earth and sky.
Somehow, I just don't believe it.

Runaway train never goin' back,
Wrong way on a one-way track.
Seems like I should be gettin' somewhere;
Somehow, I'm neither here nor there.

Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughin' at the rain.
A little out of touch, little insane
It's just easier than dealin' with the pain.

Runaway train never goin' back,
Wrong way on a one-way track.
Seems like I should be gettin' somewhere;
Somehow, I'm neither here nor there.

Runaway train never comin' back,
Runaway train tearin' up the track,
Runaway train burnin' in my veins.
I run away, but it always seems the same.

current mood: confused

It's so strange; a little over a month ago, I was here typing my heart out about the same person. Oliver Smith is a 33-year-old from Canada, and I love him even though he's eleven years older than I am, even though he hates my home country and thinks that good, honest, hard-working people deserve to die because they're in the military.

Yesterday, I got on a topic that he hated and without warning, he turned on me. He decimated me into a million pieces because he could; he knew all the ways to hurt me because I'd told him that over the five months we'd been in a relationship. I said something that truly hurt him, something that I never, ever wanted to do. He won't even hear me out anymore without repeatedly saying "fuck you," and he's going to do something to truly hurt me because he can.

But I can't stop feeling this way. I love him even though he puts me through hell, even though he wants to tear me to pieces as much as he can because he can. Why do I feel like this? Why did I let him in? I had no intention of hurting him when I said what I said, but he had every intention of hurting me when he said what he said. Every intention.

We could have had love, a future, a family, everything either of us ever wanted, but we can't because of something so stupid as hate. He's consumed by hate, so much so that he's using my American status as an excuse to hurt me. That it makes me less than human because I'm an American. I cry, I laugh, I bleed, I'm just like him, but further south. 

current mood: heartbroken

"ALMOST LOVER"
A Fine Frenzy
One Cell in the Sea

current mood: crushed

"Now, afore God, I am so vexed, that every part about
me quivers.  Scurvy knave!  Pray you, sir, a word:
and as I told you, my young lady bade me inquire you
out; what she bade me say, I will keep to myself:
but first let me tell ye, if ye should lead her into
a fool's paradise, as they say, it were a very gross
kind of behavior, as they say: for the gentlewoman
is young; and, therefore, if you should deal double
with her, truly it were an ill thing to be offered
to any gentlewoman, and very weak dealing."

-The Nurse to Romeo, William Shakespeare's The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet, Act II: Scene IV

current mood: scared

My entire life, I've considered myself a cynical romantic.  I wanted to believe in love with all my heart, but was certain it would never come to me.  Not that I encouraged it.  For years, I hid behind a mask, desperate to keep away anyone who could hurt me.

Then everything changed.  The one person I believed I could trust, no matter what, abandoned me.   I was adrift on an angry sea, struggling to keep from going under.  Enter Oliver Smith, like a knight in shining armor (or rather a jackass from Canada), he rescued me.  He saved me from myself when no one else could.

He made me realize that maybe -- just maybe -- someone like me deserved love, could find love with the most amazing guy she'd ever met.  I didn't want to fall in love, I struggled with it for a long time, but I couldn't stop myself.  I fell head over heels, truly, madly, deeply in love with him.

It scared me so much: falling so hard, so deep, so fast, but I know he loves me, too, and it's truly the best I've ever felt.

Everything's been going to hell in a handbasket lately. Every time I turn around some new, bad thing has sprung up. I'm really hating everything right now. Two weeks ago, my mom decided that she no longer wanted to live with my brother and me and moved into some apartments in Park Hills just to get away from us.  And now she expects everything to be okay between she and me.

Then I come back to Viking Woods from being home for a few days and find out that I have to move.  The only reason I signed a summer contract was so that I wouldn't have to move.  I had to move to an apartment that was smaller than the one I was in, pay the same monthly rental fee ($330 a month on an apartment that I share with three other people and having a bedroom that is barely bigger than most people's bathrooms).  The new apartment is as far away from the campus as is possible without being off-campus and couldn't be more different than my old room (the new room is opposite of my old room).

My dog, Sandy, died.  Sandy was almost 11 years old, so it's almost expected.  He was a good dog.

My dog, Oleander, got some kind of bee sting that swelled up her face, and we had to take her to the vet.  I had to pay for the vet's appointment, too.

It seems like whenever someone says "things will get better", they only get worse.  I don't know how much more of this I can take.  I'm so stressed out and exhausted from it all.  Not the "sleep a few hours and feel better" exhaustion, but the exhaustion in my very soul.  The exhaustion of why am I still here?  Why is this happening?

current mood: exhausted

A few days ago I found out about a band called Within Temptation when I was looking over YouTube. The song "Angels" seems to go along with what Hermione is thinking when Draco breaks her heart in my story, Reunion, so I decided to add the lyrics and see what everyone else thought.

"ANGELS"
Within Temptation
The Silent Force


Sparkling angel, I believed
You were my savior in my time of need.
Blinded by faith I couldn't hear
All of the whispers, the warnings so clear.

I see the angels,
I'll lead them to your door.
There's no escape now,
No mercy no more.
No remorse 'cause I still remember
The smile when you tore me apart.

You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke your promise and made me realize
It was all just a lie.

Sparkling angel, I couldn't see
Your dark intentions, your feelings for me.
Fallen angel, tell me why,
What is the reason, the thorn in your eye?

I see the angels,
I'll lead them to your door.
There's no escape now,
No mercy no more.
No remorse cause I still remember
The smile when you tore me apart.

You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke the promise and made me realize
It was all just a lie.

Could have been forever,
Now we have reached the end.

This world may have failed you,
It doesn't give you reason why.
You could have chosen a different path in life.
The smile when you tore me apart.

You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke the promise and made me realize
It was all just a lie.

Could have been forever,
Now we have reached the end.

current mood: thoughtful

I'm so tired of living right now. But what else is new? My roommates, Maggie and Vesela, hate me and I don't even do anything to them. They were yelling about me and they knew I could hear, they were being mean and I did nothing to them. I do my best to stay out of everyone's way, just stay in my room and listen to music and play on the internet or read. That's it. I do my best to avoid them, just leave them to their lives.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about suicide. I know how I'd do it too. I'd sit in the jacuzzi tub in my bathroom and take a butcher's knife and I'd cut. I'd slit my femoral arteries, my wrists, my jugular, my carotid...let my life's blood pour out and just watch it, just end it all...let the blood flow, rich crimson, pinkened by the water, swirling around me.

Would I see my death? Would I float above my body and see the emptiness that only the truly dead possess? Would I go to Heaven or to Hell or just rot in the ground, food for the maggots and worms. Will I go to purgatory, wait for my next life to come. So many questions, not enough answers.

Why don't I just kill myself? I don't know. I obviously don't matter to anyone except my parents and my cousins. Would anyone else even miss me? Would anyone else even care if I were to just kill myself?

"GRAVEDIGGER"
The Dave Matthews Band


Cyrus Jones 1810 to 1913,
Made his great granchildren believe
You could live to a-hundred-and-three.
A-hundred-and-three is forever when you're just a little kid,
So Cyrus Jones lived forever.

Gravedigger,
When you dig my grave,
Could you make it shallow,
So that I can feel the rain?
Gravedigger.

Muriel Stonewall, 1903 to 1954,
She lost both of her babies in the Second Great War.
Now you should never have to watch.
Your only children lowered in the ground,
I mean you should never have to bury your own babies.

Gravedigger,
When you dig my grave,
Could you make it shallow,
So that I can feel the rain?
Gravedigger.

Ring around the rosey,
Pocket full of posey.
Ashes to ashes,
We all fall down.

Gravedigger,
When you dig my grave,
Could you make it shallow,
So that I can feel the rain?
Gravedigger.

Little Mikey Carson '67 to '75,
He rode his
Bike like the devil until the day he died.
When he grows up he wants to be Mr. Vertigo on the flying trapeze,
Ohhh, 1940 to 1992.

Gravedigger,
When you dig my grave,
Could you make it shallow,
So that I can feel the rain?

Gravedigger,
When you dig my grave,
Could you make it shallow,
So that I can feel the rain?
Feel the rain,
I can feel the rain.
Gravedigger,
Gravedigger.

current mood: depressed

Today, I thought I had it made. For a while, at least. I went to the Viking Woods Halloween Party and spent about five hours there doing karaoke, and I ended up talking to a girl named Nikki and a guy named James about Anita Blake and the Vampire Chronicles and Harry Potter and Labyrinth and just a bunch of other things. I thought, for a moment, that I'd actually made a connection with someone. It was completely out of character for me to interact with anyone, but when it's a subject that I know and enjoy, I can be talkative. We talked for what seemed like hours, maybe it was hours, I'm not really sure. But then the end of the night happened and I was completely and utterly forgotten.

I should be used to it by now, whenever I seem to make friends, I always end up being ignored in the end. And people wonder why I have people issues, why I'm afraid to try to connect to others. I'm emotionally unable. Because whenever I think that maybe I've made a friend -- or at least an acquaintance -- I always end up alone. I'm not meant to be with people. My future's already laid out. I'm going to be a crazy cat lady. A hermit all alone in the middle of nowhere with only a bunch of cats to keep me company. I'm pretty much there already except for the craziness...although some people would consider my tendency to be obsessive-compulsive is a step toward the crazy train.

Why do I even bother? Why do I fucking try? It always ends up the same. I'm always the one who doesn't belong. The invisible girl.

"GOING THROUGH the MOTIONS"
Sarah Michelle Gellar as Buffy Anne Summers
once more, with feeling
written by Joss Whedon


Every single night
The same arrangement,
I go out and fight the fight.
Still I always feel
This strange estrangement,
Nothing here is real,
Nothing here is right.

I've been making shows of trading blows
Just hoping no one knows
That I've been
Going through the motions,
Walking through the part,
Nothing seems to penetrate my heart.

I was always brave and kinda righteous,
Now I find I'm wavering.
Crawl out of your grave
You find this fight just doesn't mean a thing.
She ain't got that swing.
Thanks for noticing.

She does pretty well with fiends from Hell
But lately we can tell
That she's just
Going through the motions,
(Going through the motions)
Faking it somehow.
She's not even half the girl she -- ow...

Will I stay this way forever?
Sleepwalk through my life's endeavor?
How can I repay--?
--Whatever.

I don't want to be
Going through the motions,
Losing all my drive,
I can't even see if this is really me
And I just want to be
Alive!

current mood: depressed

In Wicca, Halloween (called Samhain pronounced SAW-en) is a day of remembrance. With that in mind, I've decided to put down every person or pet I can remember losing in my life, then subsequently updating on a yearly basis on Samhain.

People:

Edna Cecilia Swyers-Tindall (1917?-2005), maternal great-grandmother; Bert Leonard Beal, Jr. (1917?-1999), paternal grandfather; Josephine Watkins-Beal (1918?-1997), paternal grandmother; and Theodore Roy Tindall (1916?-1990), maternal great-grandfather.

Pets (Deaths):

Joker (????-2006), cat; K.C. "Kansas City," (1996-2006), dog; Don Juan DeMarco (????-2006), cat; Salem (1998-2006), dog; Crookshanks (2005), kitten; Cottonball (2005), kitten; Pinky (2005), kitten; Giggles a.k.a. Shadow (1998-2006), dog; Lady Houdini (1996-2005), dog; Gandalf (2003-2004), cat; Boromir (2003), kitten; D.C. "That Darn Cat" (1996-1999?); Drusilla (1998-1999?), cat; Jinx (1996-1999), cat; Lady the First (1993-1996), dog; and Little Bit (1990-1996), cat.

Pets (Missing, Presumed Dead):

Chaos (2003-????), cat; Aldebaron (2004-????), cat; Arwen a.k.a. Shilo (1996-????), cat; Prongs (2005-????), cat; Peregrin "Pippin" Took (2002-????), cat; Mouse (1996-????), cat; Harlequin (2000-????), cat; Melvin (1995-????), cat; Morgen (1996-????), cat; Greyling (1996-????), cat; and Joseph (1990-????), cat.