Ten days ago, I was on Facebook after advocating on PetPardons. I hadn't heard from Tom in days because I was trying to let him come to me so I decided to check his Facebook only to find that a friend of his had posted: "With Tom Holden, his girlfriend Amanda Woodring, and her kids in Farmington seeing Santa." I was gut-punched.

Not only had I thought that Tom and I were on the road to recovery, but I find out that the reason we've barely been spending time together was because he had a girlfriend with KIDS when he said that his life was too complicated to date me. What's more complicated than kids? What hurt even worse was that Tom had never even taken me out in the daylight, had never introduced me as his girlfriend, and wouldn't change his Facebook status until I slept with him because it wasn't a REAL relationship until then.

I sent him a message on Facebook calling him out for being an asshole and lying to me. I also sent her one, not for the reason one might expect, but because Tom had told me of his history cheating on EVERY girlfriend he'd had, and he had cheated on me with a stripper; him dating a girl seriously enough to meet her kids and only a couple weeks before, he and I were making out. I didn't want her kids to be hurt by the situation. For hours, I bawled to my mother and to friends online. I didn't even feel I could tell Kat because she had been so against him that I only expected judgment.

I decided to ask Russsell if he'd known when I was obviously flirting with Tom and why he didn't tell me. I still think about this now. Then I noticed Russell shared the same last name as Amanda; she was his wife. Tom gave Russell rides because he didn't have a car, why wouldn't he take his wife and kids to see Santa? I was mortified and immediately sent out apologies, believing that Tom's friend had been mistaken.

Tom called me two days later to yell at me for sending Amanda a message even though I was just trying to keep him from hurting her and had apologized when i made the connections. He told me that she was going through a divorce and that he was just doing a favor to his friend Russell. I started to cry, pointinh out that I HAD apologized. He hung up, and I called back telling him that I had needed to calm down. We talked more, then he got flustered and hung up, promising to call back. He actually did, and we talked more. I thought we had mended bridges, but I still felt so awful for doubting him and worried that I'd burnt bridges by trying to keep Amanda and her kids from being hurt especially after Seth told me it was how a psycho-girlfriend would respond.

This morning at 12:22 am, Tom called me to tell me that the message was right, he was "sort of dating" Amanda, and he had been for a month-and-a-half while we were still making out. She was Russell's ex-wife, and Russell knew. He had "never felt a connection" with me "no matter how hard he'd tried." He did feel one with Amanda, though, because she wasn't "clingy" and knew when to "leave him alone." He lied to me so much, let me think I had doubted him only for him to smash my heart into pieces. It's been hours, but I still can't stop shaking. I feel so empty and broken.

Kat suggested that since I liked hanging out with Tom so much, maybe he and I could just be friends. Part of me liked the idea, but a larger part of me was terrified that that would be it, and I'd never have anyone again. After talking to Kat, I sent Tom a message suggesting that since he was going through so much, maybe we could just be friends. He didn't respond. I was heartbroken because I really enjoyed spending time with him, and the idea of never getting to again made me so sick that I couldn't stop crying -- a recurring trend in the months to follow.

Then a few days later, he texted me asking if I wanted to hang out at my house. Since I'd done a lot of cleaning, and I finally had furniture, I couldn't come up with an excuse why we couldn't so I agreed. After he got off work, he met me at my mother's apartment, and I led him toward my house in the boonies. Not even halfway ther, he called me, asking how far away it was because he was low on gas. We went by his house, dropped off his car, and I drove him to my house.

It was a frightening prospect. No one had been at my house -- who weren't family or didn't work for my dad -- had been to my house since March 2009. Kat even told me that if I ever wanted a boyfriend, I couldn't show him my house. I tried to make small talk with Tom on the way to my house, but he was too busy texting someone to even respond to anything I said. We got to my house, and we tried to watch a DVD, having an ancient television made it impossible so we watched television instead. We ended up watching "Polyamory: Married and Dating" because I wanted to show him that his fantasy of being polyamorous could really hurt me.

We started watching "Paul" after that, but through both shows, all he did was text back and forth. Every time we tried to snuggle, he would unwrap his arms from around me to respond to a text from his cousin -- whom he was seeing in a day or two at a family wedding. I felt completely ignored. Every attempt I made at conversation pretty much fell on deaf ears. After a while, he asked to use the bathroom, and I showed him where the one working toilet on the main level of the house was. I warned him that it was messy because nothing I had found got rid of the hard water stains no matter how hard I tried. Sfter he saw the toilet, he said he'd hold it because he wasn't expecting it to be so dirty. It hurt. I had struggled so much trying to get my house clean, and nothing I did seemed to work on the toilet. Coupled with his constant texting and the way I felt so ignored, I told him that it had been a mistake to show him my house. I was just so hurt by the evening that I drove him home, struggling not to cry.

When we got there, he and I talked for a while after he finally stopped texting. Hell, even if I saw him more often than once or twice a week, maybe it wouldn't have hurt so much. We talked, and I admitted that I loved him. Shortly thereafter, we parted ways without him even really responding to my confession. He promised he'd text me. Once again, he didn't. This would be a recurring trend for the next few months. The next week, I asked him what was going on. He invited me to Steak n' Shake to say "we should just be friends," bringing me to tears in front of the whole restaurant; he said that he had hoped our time at my place would be more romantic. It's fucking hard to be romantic with your boyfriend texting someone else the entire time you get to spend together. Eventually, I calmed down, agreeing because I loved spending time with him. And I loved him.

Through October, we tried to be just friends, but he made it hard on me. When we did text, he would bring up dirty things that made me feel uncomfortable because I couldn't do those things with him. One night, he texted me dirty things for hours so much so that it made me cry. Then he ran out of gas on his way home, and he asked for my hekp. I took him by my house to get a gas can, and dropped him by his place so he could find some money. Waiting for him, I decided to help. I took $10 out of my meager savings so I could get him gas. In my car, he apologized, and I pointed out the fact that we were just friends, and while Seth and I were friends, we never talked about things like that. He apologized and invited me over the next day. We watched "Buffy," and I did my best not to go beyond friends. That didn't last long. A few weeks later, we were "friends with benefits;" no sex but making out once more.

November was when everything really started falling apart. I still loved him, and i wanted so badly to be more to him than just a girl he made out with. We talked about it, and he told me that his life was too complicated to have a girlfriend right now (bear this in mind; it becomes important later on). Time with Tom became more sporatic. We texted back and forth, still hanging out, still watching "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," still playing videogames, and -- most importantly -- still making out. A week went by without me receiving any word from hiim, and I texted him asking if he was okay since I hadn't heard from him for a while; a few days later, he texted me telling me that he had lost his phone the previous week.

We talked the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, and I told him that I was busy baking the pies for Thanksgiving; he said I was lucky because he had to work on Thanksgiving. I felt awful. He was so close to his family, and it would be his first Thanskgiving without them so I offered to bring him leftovers for Thanksgiving. He said he has enough from the Thanksgiving meal he'd had wiith his father the weekend before. Thanskgiving and its weekend went by, and I finally received another text from him. He told me that he had found out his aunt had died on Thanskigiving, and he had to go to Texas for her funeral, leaving his charger in St. Louis. I felt awful; first his uncle gets sick; his grandfather nearly has a heart attack, and now his aunt. I wouldn't see him again until the last Friday of November.

My dad had decided to finally take my car into the shop to fix the coolant leak so I was without a car. I had a choice of leaving my mom's before my dad went to bed or staying there until six or seven the next morning. I decided it was worth a shot so I asked Tom if he'd be willing to give me a ride from my mom's to my dad's where I was staying while my car was being repaired. He agreed and said he was giving his friend a lift so he'd be a little late. When he arrived, I was so happy to see him. The last time we'd spent together two weeks before, we'd had a good time; he made us spaghetti noodles with grateed parmesan, we played my copy of Borderlands 2, and we made out for a good, long while. I had missed him. i was flirty with him, teasing, and just in a good mood.

Finally, the guy in Tom's back seat spoke up; he was Russell, one of Kat's friends; the one who essentially introduced her to Robin. He and I had met before briefly when I took Kat shopping. Ironically, at the same Walmart I'd met Tom. I remembered him, even remembering his son, Raeden, because I had told him that "ae" makes a long-e sound. Tom took me home, and we talked a bit before I went inside. I hugged him and gave him a peck on the cheek; Russell and I teased him because he hadn't made the introductions; Tom said it wasn't like he and Russell were sleeping together, and I remarked that I was only Tom's girlfriend "sometimes." The Monday after, I asked for a ride again since my car was still in the shop. We talked all the way there, and we ended up recounting the day we'd met. He admitted he had been waiting outside Walmart for me that day nearly five months before. Things felt normal again. Outside my dad's house, we talked for an hour. He told me that "I've been a bad boyfriend" which startled me because he used the present tense when he insisted we were just friends. I felt elated. Once again, I reminded him that a girlfriend was there for him when her boyfriend needed her, and that I really did love him which was why I tried so hard. I went to bed that night, grinning like a maniac. Things seemed right again.

On Tuesday, my car still wasn't done, and I asked for another ride from Tom. I had a massive migraine so we didn't talk much. Again, he promised to text, but he didn't. A few days later, I texted him, asking if we could hang out again soon because I missed him. He said we could hang out on Monday after he dropped off Russell. I dressed up prettily and brought my copy of Borderlands 2, hoping to reignite the magic we'd had the last time we'd spent together. I had missed him so much, but after the last conversation we'd had, I felt the flutterings of hope once more.

I was an idiot, and everything just was wrong that night. I had a wired controller that took over first player which irritated Tom. My game didn't want to work right which irritated him more. I said sorry so many times because I wanted things between us to be good again. My saying sorry so much irritated him even more. It reminded me of when I was little and my dad would get drunk so my brother, mother, and I would have to walk on eggsheslls to make sure he wouldn't lash out at us. We ended up playing the original Borderlands together, but everything just felt off. I tried to comfort him, and i comfort by touching. He got mad at me for touching him. The last time he and I had been together; everything had felt okay. It wasn't the case now. Eventually, I left. He gave his usual parting goodbye, "I'll text you." After him telling me that so many times without texting, I asked if he really would. He all but slammed the door in my face. I lost it, crying so hard and so long I couldn't breathe. Things only got w

On July 8, 2012, my life changed. For years, I'd been disenfranchised with life; still smarting from a brutal breakup from my first boyfriend. My mother asked me to go grocery shopping for her since her food stamps had come in a few days before. I absolutely despise going shopping during the day so I waited until late to go to Desloge Walmart. I went over the list, grabbing the things she needed and headed for checkout at Lane 16, the only lane open late. I put my groceries on the checkout, waiting for the cashier to process everything.

A guy came up behind me in line, and I felt bad because of my large load of groceries when he only had a few things like most people at Walmart at three in the morning so I sent him an apologetic smile. I moseyed out the door like I always do and, somehow, he ended up outside the store before I was. I saw him standing off to the side playing with his phone, and for some reason, I felt he was waiting for me. It, truthfully, kind of scared me, because no one waits for me anywhere. As I passed him, he said, "I usually don't do this, but you're very beautiful, and I was wondering if you wanted to go out for a drink sometime."

I was understandably startled, a guy had never asked me out before. Hell, even my boyfriend of close to two years, Oliver, never technically asked me out. I told him I didn't drink, and he said he didn't drink either because he didn't like being drunk. We talked in that Walmart parking lot for a good, long while, and he introduced himself as "Tom." I made a face and told him that was my brother's name so he told me I could call him "Charles," his middle name. He asked me how old I was, and he seemed surprised when I told him I was twenty-seven because I looked so young that he was afraid I was only sixteen.

He asked for my number, and I called him to give it to him, and he said he'd call me. i said texting was easier, and he said he'd find a way to text me since he had an ancient flipphone. We parted ways. Flabbergasted, the first thing I did was text my friend, Kat. It was one of our meetup nights, and she was quick to tell everyone that Kristi had a date. Surprisingly, Tom did text my phone that night using yahoo messenger. I put off responding to spend time with Kat and my friend, Seth, since I hadn't seen him for months. I finally remembered Tom had texted me at 5 in the morning, and I sent him a response. I never got one back, but I did add him on my computer's yahoo messenger. Monday went by, and I removed his number from my phone because I thought he'd never text me again. On Tuesday, I was on my computer, and I noticed Tom had signed in on messenger. Curiosity got the better of me so I sent him a message telling him that I was the girl from Walmart. He asked if I wanted to hang out and where we could. I told him Steak n' Shake because, at eleven at night, it is really one of the few places that was still open in Farmington.

I met him there, and we talked about anything and everything until three in the morning. He asked me what we could do so we went to his house. It was very uncharacteristic of me, but -- then again -- it was my first date, peverything was uncharacteristic. Yeah, I had dated a guy for almost two years, and my dad or I had to pay for everything. At his place, I told him flat-out that I wasn't going to sleep with him, and we ended up watching "Muppet Treasure Island" and talking. After the movie, we ended up making out, and I left after dawn. It was one of the best days off my life.

The next day, we played Left 4 Dead and ended up making out some more. I can't remember ever feeling so happy. I had a boyfriend; not just a boyfriend, but a boyfriend who lived not only in my country, but my state and country. Instead of an hour-long plane ride away, he was only a ten-minute drive away. Things were good. We'd hang out every other day, watch some "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and, when he spent the weekends visiting his parents and grandparents in St. Louis, he would text me daily.

In the beginning of August, things changed. I asked him if he wanted to go see "The Watch" with me on his day off, my treat. He said sure. On Monday, his second day off, he called to say he wouldn't be able to make an early show because he was helping his grandparents buy a computer, and he called again to tell me he wouldn't be able to make a late show, either, but he'd call me later. He didn't call. A few days later, I called him to no reply; thinking that he'd just gone to work. Then I called him again to no reply; thinking he'd fallen asleep. A week went by with no response so I spent the next few hours after meetup crying to Kat and Seth. Kat said I should let it go; Seth said we could go egg Tom's house.

I decided to face Tom and find out what the hell was going on, and the Monday after meetup, I went to his house to ask him because I was afraid he'd blocked me because he told me he'd done that once to a girl he'd gotten too close to because she asked him to spend the night after they had sex. He and I never got that far. He told me he was afraid he'd cheat on me just as he had on all of the other girls he'd "dated." I told him that if he really wanted me to leave him alone, all he had to do was ask. We talked it through and started dating again.

A week or two later, he went to a friend's bachelor party at a strip club. I was actually okay with it, because I didn't want to be a clingy bitch. Big mistake. The Monday after, he told me that he'd gone down on a stripper in the club's VIP room. It hurt so badly because I had meant so little to him that he had cheated with a stripper. We decided to be friends for a while, but in no time, we fell back into the relationship, because we liked each other too much. I forgave, but I didn't forget.

The end of August brought more turmoil, Tom had found out his uncle was sick. A few days before the full diagnosis, I tried to help keep his mind off his uncle's sickness. We talked for hours that night and engaged in a tickle fight. I won, of course, but I let him think I was ticklish so he'd feel better. on Wednesday, he found out his uncle's sickness was cancer. I asked him if he wanted me to for support, and he declined. i asked him Thursday how he was coping, and he still didn't want to see me.

On Friday, September 1, he texted me asking if I wanted to grab a bite at Steak n' Shake. I enjoyed spending time with him so, of course, I said yes. We talked, and I did my best to reassure him and distract him. We went to his place and watched "Halloween" and "Lie to Me" from the second season of "Buffy." I thought seeing "Halloween" was kind of funny because Tom asked me what I wanted to talk about, and I suggested Halloween, but he had said it was too early. I felt bad about "Lie to Me" because it involved an old friend of Buffy's coming to Sunnydale in hopes of becoming a vampire since he was dying of cancer. I spent the next few hours once again trying to instill hope in Tom about his uncle's prognosis. We parted ways, and as I left, he waved his phone at me promising to text over the weekend.

When he didn't text, I messaged him on Monday morning. When I got no response after hours and hours, the fear that he was ignoring me again bubbled up, and I asked if he was mad at me. He lost it, saying that his mother needed me more than I did. I apologized, telling him that I had only worried due to the week he hadn't talked to me. I never worried that much until then. I gave him time to cool down and asked him a few days later if he wanted to hang out. In reply, I got a terse "No." I asked him what was wrong, and he told me how pissed he was at me for expecting him to text when he said he would. I asked if we were breaking up. He said, "I don't know, i'll think about it." I went to Kat in hopes she'd help me decipher what the hell was going on. She told me to lose him.