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Kristi
27 February 2012 @ 07:33 pm
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Kristi
14 February 2012 @ 12:06 pm
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Kristi
23 January 2012 @ 05:23 pm
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Kristi
21 January 2012 @ 06:51 pm
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Kristi
09 January 2012 @ 07:35 pm
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Kristi
08 January 2012 @ 06:17 pm
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Kristi
07 January 2012 @ 02:17 pm
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Kristi
23 December 2011 @ 12:04 pm
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Kristi
14 December 2011 @ 04:36 am
When I end up staying over at my mom's, I always fall asleep listening to a music channel. During the Halloween season, I would always listen to the holiday hits station which played Halloween music. On November 1, I stopped listening to the holiday station because all it played was Christmas music.

My mom always wanted to know why I liked the Halloween music but not the Christmas music. Truthfully, it's really simple. Christmas depresses me so badly. Halloween is just for fun, there isn't some magical vampire who drops candy in your jack-o'-lantern or a zombie that hides treats for you to find. It's strictly human, you go trick-or-treating and you get candy from other people.

Christmas, on the other hand, is supposed to be magical, a time of miracles. A fat man in a magical sleigh pulled by flying reindeer delivers millions -- if not billions -- of presents all over the world in one night to good little boys and girls. I remember the day I found out there was no such thing as Santa Claus. It was December 24, 1993, and I had snuck out of my bed to see Santa, hiding behind the loveseat only to find my parents putting Christmas presents beneath the tree. A few days later, my parents sat me down and told me there was no such thing as Santa Claus; they also told me not to tell my little brother.

At first, I was ecstatic; I felt like I was a grown-up, but then I remembered all the fun I had when I was little: my great-grandfather going outside and ringing sleigh bells on Christmas Eve and him telling us about the little elves running around. We would always try to see them, but then he'd say that we weren't fast enough. Now there was no Santa, all of those little childhood joys were gone. I think kids really lose their childhood when they realize that there's no such thing as Santa.

Christmas Eve used to be a happy time before 2004, but I didn't realize it at the time. Things always seem to look rosier in retrospect, I suppose. Every Christmas Eve, we'd go over to my great-grandmother's house in Festus, and the majority of the family would be there: my parents, my brother, my great-grandmother, my grandmother when she wasn't in Decatur, my great-aunt, my first cousin once removed, his wife, and their children. Sometimes, we'd even have my great-great aunts over or, on rarer occasions, we'd have my uncle and his family over. We'd have food and open presents and just spend a good amount of time together. After my great-grandmother went to a nursing home, the Christmas Eve get-together ended; we only tried it once more in 2004, then everyone went onto their own separate Christmas Eves. Family got a lot smaller after that.

Nowadays, Christmas doesn't depress me because of the lack of Santa Claus or Christmas Eve family get-togethers, it's because I don't have someone special in my life. Christmas is about family. All of the songs that don't talk about Jesus or Santa talk about family and loved ones. Every Christmas special -- from A Christmas Carol to It's a Wonderful Life -- talks about the importance of family. The only family I really feel like I have right now is my mom. I see her daily, and she's one of the very few people I know who won't lie to me.

Everyone around me has family, whether they're married, have kids, or are just together; everyone except me. Every time I like a guy, he doesn't like me, or he'd rather have anyone else but me. I'm either too broken or not broken enough. My friends tell me what a wonderful person I am, but they're the only ones who see it. No guy ever sees that about me.

The only Christmas I actually had a boyfriend, he refused to get me a gift because he hated Christmas due to childhood trauma, refused to spend any time with me in my own country except for a few days, and slept through New Year's and didn't want to go to a friend's New Year's party but turned it into me keeping him away from his friends, even though I told him we should go. The only time I ever got a New Year's kiss was New Year's Eve 2001 when my family went to see Legends: In Concert in Branson, Missouri, and the guy who played John Lennon and Jerry Lee Lewis gave me a peck on the cheek.

I've never gotten to go to a Christmas party or a New Year's party. I watch the Christmas movies with people having boyfriend/girlfriends or spouses and children, and it makes me so sad. I know that I'm never going to get that; I'm never going to have someone to spend Christmas with, and I'm never going to have kids. It kills me.
 
 
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: "Happy Xmas (War is Over)" by John Lennon
 
 
 
Kristi
24 November 2011 @ 12:04 pm
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